129 ways to get a husband


McCall’s Magazine was a monthly American women’s magazine that enjoyed great popularity through much of the 20th century, peaking at a readership of 8.4 million in the early 1960s.

In one of their monthly prints, they published an article titled “129 ways to get a husband” and given how different the single/dating world is today, I thought it was worth a re-print. ENJOY!

“In the United States today there are sixteen million women over the age of seventeen who are not married. Presumably the vast majority of them would like to be.”

  1. Get a dog and walk it.
  2. Have your car break down at strategic places.
  3. Attend night school – take courses men like.
  4. Join a hiking club.
  5. Look in the census reports for places with the most single men. Nevada has 125 males for every 100 females.
  6. Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.
  7. Take up golf and go to different golf courses.
  8. Take several short vacations at different places rather than one long one at one place.
  9. Sit on a park bench and feed the pigeons.
  10. Take a bicycle trip through Europe.
  11. Get a job in a medical, dental or law school.
  12. Become a nurse or an airline stewardess – they have very high marriage rates.
  13. Ask your friends’ husbands who the eligible men are in their offices.
  14. Be nice to everybody – they may have an eligible brother or son.
  15. Get a government job overseas.
  16. Volunteer for jury duty.
  17. Be friendly to ugly men – handsome is as handsome does.
  18. Tell your friends that you are interested in getting married. Don’t keep it a secret.
  19. Get lost at football games.
  20. Don’t take a job in a company run largely by women.
  21. Get a job demonstrating fishing tackle in a sporting goods store.
  22. On a plane, train or bus don’t sit next to a woman – sit next to a man.
  23. Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.
  24. Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they may have some leftovers.
  25. Go back to your hometown for a visit – the wild kid next door may have become a very eligible bachelor while you were away.
  26. Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.
  27. Get a part-time job in a convention bureau.
  28. Change apartments from time to time.
  29. When traveling, stay at small hotels where it is easier to meet strangers.
  30. Learn to paint. Set up easel outside engineering school.
  31. Stumble when you walk into a room that he’s in.
  32. Forget discretion every once in a while and call him up.
  33. Carry a hatbox.
  34. Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened.
  35. Make a lot of money.
  36. Learn several funny stories and learn to tell them well – but make sure you don’t tell them to him more than once.
  37. Walk up to him and tell him you need some advice.
  38. Dropping the handkerchief still works.
  39. Have your father buy some theater tickets that have to be got rid of.
  40. Stand in a corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.
  41. Don’t let him fish for your name the next time you meet. None of this “guess who” stuff.
  42. If you’re at a resort, have the bell-boy page you.
  43. Buy a convertible. Men like to ride in them.
  44. Learn how to bake tasty apple pies. Bring one in to the office and let the eligible bachelors taste it.
  45. Laugh at his jokes.
  46. If there’s a wallflower among the men you know, why not cultivate him? For all you know, he may be a diamond in the rough.
  47. “Accidentally” have your purse fly open, scattering its contents all over the street.
  48. Men like to think they’re the authorities on perfume. Ask his advice on what kind you should wear.
  49. Get better-looking glasses – men still make passes at girls who wear glasses – or try contact lenses.
  50. Practice your drinking with your women friends first.
  51. If you dye your hair, pick a shade and stick to it.
  52. Wear high heels most of the time – they’re sexier!
  53. Unless he happens to be shorter than you are!
  54. Tell him he’s handsome.
  55. Take good care of your health. Men don’t like girls who are ill.
  56. If you look good in sweaters, wear one on every third date.
  57. Dress differently from the other girls in the office.
  58. Get a sunburn.
  59. Watch your vocabulary.
  60. Go on a diet if you need to.
  61. When you are with him, order your steak rare.
  62. Don’t tell him about your allergies.
  63. European women use their eyes to good advantage. Practice in front of a mirror.
  64. Buy a full-length mirror and take a good look before you go to greet him.
  65. Change the shade of your stockings and be sure to keep the seams straight!
  66. Get that fresh-scrubbed look by scrubbing!
  67. If he has bought you any trinket or accessory, wear it.
  68. Use the ashtray; don’t crush out cigarettes in coffee cups!
  69. Polish up on making introductions; learn to do them gracefully.
  70. Don’t be too fussy.
  71. Stick to your moral standards.
  72. Don’t whine – girls who whine stay on the vine!
  73. Show him you can have fun on a cheap date – but don’t overdo it!
  74. Don’t let your parents treat him like a potential husband.
  75. Ask your parents to disappear when you’re entertaining!
  76. Double-date with a happily married couple – let him see what it’s like!
  77. Tell his friends nice things about him.
  78. Send his mother a birthday card.
  79. Ask his mother for her recipes.
  80. Talk to his father about business and agree that taxes are too high!
  81. Buy his sister’s children an occasional present.
  82. On the first date tell him you aren’t thinking of getting married!
  83. Don’t talk about how many children you want.
  84. If he’s a fisherman, learn to scale and clean fish.
  85. Don’t tell him everything about yourself at the start. Hold something in reserve.
  86. When you’re out strolling with him, don’t insist on stopping at every shop window.
  87. Don’t tell him how much your clothes cost.
  88. Learn to sew and wear something you have made yourself.
  89. Don’t gossip about him.
  90. Never let him know he’s the only one, even if you have to stay home one or two nights a week!
  91. Don’t be a pushover when he’s trying to make a date.
  92. Very early in your dating, why not get a favorite song that you both regard as your own?
  93. Find out about the girls he hasn’t married. Don’t repeat the mistakes they made.
  94. Don’t discuss your former boyfriends.
  95. If you are widowed or divorced, don’t constantly discuss your former husband.
  96. Be flexible. If he decides to skip the dance and go rowing on the lake, go – even if you are wearing your best evening gown.
  97. Hide your Phi Beta Kappa key if you own one – later on junior can play with it.
  98. Turn wolves into husband material by assuming they have honor.
  99. Resist the urge to make him over – before marriage, that is!
  100. Learn where to draw the line – but do it gracefully.
  101. Remain innocent but not ignorant.
  102. Make your home comfortable when he calls – large ashtrays, comfortable chairs.
  103. Learn to play poker.
  104. If he’s rich, tell him you like his money – the honesty will intrigue him!
  105. Never let him believe your career is more important to him than marriage.
  106. Buy him an amusing or particularly appropriate present everyone once in a while. But don’t make it too expensive.
  107. Clip and mail him a funny cartoon that means something to both of you.
  108. Don’t tell dirty stories.
  109. Stop being a mama’s girl – don’t let him think he’ll have in-law trouble, even if you know he will!
  110. Point out to him that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.
  111. Go to Yale.
  112. Get a hunting license.
  113. If your mother is fat, tell him you take after your father. If he’s fat too, tell him you’re adopted!
  114. Stow away on a battleship.
  115. Rent a billboard and post your picture and telephone number on it.
  116. Paint your name and number on your roof and say, “Give me a buzz, pilots.”
  117. Start a whispering campaign on how sought-after you are.
  118. Sink at a fashionable beach at high noon!
  119. Ride the airport bus back and forth from the airport.
  120. Bribe Ferris-wheel operator to get you stuck on the top of a Ferris wheel.
  121. Stand on a busy street corner with a lasso.
  122. Carry a camera and ask strange, handsome men if they would mind snapping your picture.
  123. Ask your mother to take in male boarders.
  124. Make and sell toupees – bald men are easy catches!
  125. Advertise for male co-owner of a boat.
  126. If you see a man with a flat, offer to fix it.
  127. Carry a tow chain in the trunk of your automobile.
  128. Let it be known in your office that you have a button box and will sew on bachelors’ loose buttons.
  129. Don’t marry him if he has too many loose buttons!

If this list does not work for you, consider some of the options found here: http://rodarters.org/find-a-mate

A sad and revealing laugh

I recently saw an unusual news story that made me laugh.

There is a video on YouTube that shows a “Pastor” in Zimbabwe kissing one of the female members of his congregation.  On.the.lips.

Why, you ask? 

Apparently his kiss is able to remove a “demon from her body”.   The concept is so absurd I laughed.   This sarcastic thought ran through my mind,

“Nice logic there, Pastor.  You discover a demon in the attractive woman’s body that only your kiss can remove?  Very creative.”

In the video, the “Pastor” places his hands firmly on the woman’s face and gives her a prolonged kiss – directly on the lips.  After a few seconds, he suddenly pulls away – makes an exaggerated motion and spits on the ground, as if he still had some of the demonic residue in his mouth.  In his native tongue, he says a few words to the woman (with the rest of the congregation standing nearby) and once again, grabs her face and plants another long, intimate kiss on her lips.  The 50-second long video is weird, awkward and hard to watch.

Given the disparity of power (between Pastor and congregant), it’s hard to know if the woman is a willing participant or simply being an obedient churchgoer.  We do not know if she also thought she had a demon or if that was simply the Pastor’s “professional” opinion.  I’m pretty sure he alone came up with the unusual solution as his demon-removing remedy is found nowhere in Scripture.  Interestingly, no one in the congregation tries to stop this behavior even as many seem uncomfortable with the exercise – except of course, the Pastor.

Finding the whole story bizarre and amusing, I copied the link and posted it on my personal Facebook page with this commentary:

“I’m pretty sure this ‘Pastor’ is taking the

“greet one another with a holy kiss” verse

completely out of context.”

It was meant to be a joke.  For those who are unfamiliar with this Bible verse, I was referencing one of several passages in the New Testament (1 Corinthians 16:20, 2 Corinthians 13:12, Romans 16:16, etc) where the Apostle Paul instructs the members of the Church to “greet each other with a holy kiss”.  (For the record, scholars debate as to what Paul meant by that phrase or what makes a kiss holy.  No reasonable biblical scholar believes, however, that it has anything to do with the exorcism of demons.)

Within minutes of posting, several male friends also found it entertaining as evidenced by their feedback.  It wasn’t until several comments later, accompanied by an anger emoji, that got my attention.  The writer, a female friend, was clearly not finding any piece of this story humorous.  To be honest, I wasn’t expecting that reaction and it made me suddenly aware that perhaps my perspective on this event was “off”.   

As the post sat there on my wall for all my friends to see… I had a growing, gnawing “check” in my spirit.  Something suddenly didn’t feel right about it.  It was meant to be funny… but was it?  I mean, the guys laughed but the other gender of my audience clearly felt an emotion other than laughter.  

I sent the link and my comment to an advocate for abused women, someone who has experienced abuse as a woman and now counsels dozens in the thick of it.  I was curious to see how she would interpret this story.  As I expected, she sized up the scenario with alarming precision and speed.  She wrote back,

“It’s literally a video of real sexual and spiritual abuse.”

It is?, I thought.   

Her words were jarring.  Did I really just post a video showing abuse?  I actually found THAT funny??  I started to wonder, is this an issue of an overly sensitive woman or completely desensitized men?

Then she asked me,

“Why do you want to post that?”

Good question.  Why did I want to post that?

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about this video and my initial response to it.

As a man who has never experienced sexual assault or abuse, I only saw  the ridiculous claim that a kiss can exorcise a demon.  Somehow, I missed the part where another human being was being placed in an objectified position by someone who is supposed to pastor/protect her.   A woman was being abused in the name of God or church or faith or healing and my knee-jerk reaction was laughter.  

I started to realize that it’s possible (if not easy) for some of us to stare sexual or spiritual abuse in the face and not even recognize it for what it is.

We shrug it off.

We laugh it off. 

We excuse it off.

We dismiss it away. 

We deny it exists. 

We call it by a different name. 

We view it under the guise of being silly or cute or playful or harmless.

But it isn’t.

Pornography is another great example of this type of verbal gymnastics.  We call it “porn” but when you think about it – it is really the abuse of vulnerable women (or children), caught on tape, for the pleasure of men. 

What would happen if we started calling it by it’s evil, ugly, detailed description instead of by it’s less damning, abbreviated four letter word? 

As a full-fledged sinner with some major league sins under my belt, I understand the temptation to name the wrong we do in more palatable ways.   It’s easier to think we “borrowed” that which we actually stole.

It is not uncommon for me to receive a phone call from several male friends who ask for prayer or accountability because of their “struggle” or “thorn” or “lack of purity”. 

What if these prayer requests and admissions of guilt were more specific in their vernacular?

What if the phone call went something like this,

“Rod,

  • “I’m tempted to watch videos of really vulnerable women get abused sexually.”   OR
  • “I get turned on by watching naked men treat naked women with disdain and cruelty.”  OR
  • “I secretly enjoy watching videos of prostitution.”  OR
  • “I like to go into a dark room, pull my pants down and watch other men hurt and degrade women.  This experience brings me pleasure.”

It’s not easy to read those sentences (or write them!), let alone admit this vice might tempt you.  And yet, until we see abuse for what it is, we’ll never really address it.  And we can’t address anything unless we recognize it for what it is.  I mean, this is 12 step process 101.

Step 1: Admit you have a problem.

 

I have to do better in this area.  

We, as men, have to do better in this area.  

We have to see what’s going on, under our noses, in broad daylight.  We have to be willing to call out our friends, neighbors, co-workers, parents, relatives, Pastors or any other person perpetuating abusive situations, even those perpetuated by ignorance.  Our ladies need this from us.  The gospel requires this of us.  Our Christian witness is begging this from us.

Somehow I stared sexual and spiritual abuse in the face and laughed at it. 

If I missed this, what else am I not seeing?

May God open our eyes and allow us to see people (especially those on a video we will never meet) through His lens and grant us the courage to stand up and defend those who are vulnerable or defenseless.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

 

For the record, I took down the post from my Facebook page.

What’s her face?

A few years ago I was in a Lowes Hardware store with a friend, picking up some home improvement items. After 15 minutes in the store, we headed to the checkout lane and had a brief but fun conversation with the woman at the checkout counter. She was professional, efficient and clearly enjoying her job. If there was an evaluation form to fill out – she’d definitely receive high marks.

As I was leaving the store, I turned to my friend and made an impromptu bet with him. I told him I would give him every dollar I had in my pocket (over $20) if he could tell me the name of the woman who just spent the last 10 minutes with us.

“You mean the lady at the counter?”, he asked.

“Yep. Her. What was her name?”

“She didn’t tell us that”, he tried to explain away.

“It was on her name tag, in plain sight”, I quipped back.

He studied my face to see if I was serious about this bet.

I was.

Then, as expected, I realized my bet paid off. In spite of the time we just spent with another human being – he had no idea what her name was – even though it was clearly and prominently displayed on her shirt for all to see.

Determined to take my money, over the next few minutes on the ride back to my place, my friend racked his brain to remember her name – to see if his subconscious mind somehow picked it up. In desperation, he began throwing out every female name he could think of:

  • “Jenny?” Nope.
  • “Susan?” Nope.
  • “Jill? Erica? Emily? Rachel? Samantha? Gertrude?” Nope, nope, nope.

His countenance changed when he realized he was not going to be $20 richer that night.

How often do we do this? How often do we overlook the people closest to us who make it their career to serve us? Flight attendants? Hotel lobby employees? Custodians at work? Restaurant waiters? Uber drivers? Postal workers? Cashiers? If we pay attention, there is a world of people all around us – some of whom have names on a sign for us to see…. and somehow…

we

still

don’t

see

them.

Names are important to people.  Don’t believe me?  Call someone by the wrong name and watch their reaction.

 

Names are also important to God.

In Genesis 1, we are told that “God made two great lights: the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night.” 

Obviously, we know them as the Sun and Moon.  Immediately after this verse, almost as an afterthought, the writer of the book of Genesis throws out this side comment, “He made the stars as well.”  (verse 16)

By the way, He made the stars as well.

By the way, I discovered the cure for cancer.

By the way, I saved 15% on my car insurance last night.  I mean, verse 16 makes the creating of stars seem as trivial as a Geico commercial.

Our brightest scientists (conservatively) estimate there are over 100 million stars in our galaxy alone.  In the mid-90’s, the Hubble Deep Field estimated that there are over 2 trillion galaxies in the observable universe.

That’s trillion with a T.

Galaxies with a G.

If all of those galaxies had the same number of stars as ours, that number comes to….

A LOT.

Like 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (24 zeroes)

Apparently new research shows that this estimate is at least 10 times too low.  And according to Christopher Conselice of the University of Nottingham, U.K., over 90 percent of the galaxies in the universe have yet to be studied.

Why do I take the time to point out the insane number of stars?

Because of Psalm 147:4.  If the sheer magnitude of the number of stars doesn’t blow you away, then Psalm 147:4 will:

“He (God) determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.”

God doesn’t identify them with a number (which actually makes more sense)… He has a personal name for each one of them.

Every.single.one.

With this as a backdrop, you can appreciate a bit of divine sarcasm when God takes Abraham outside (Genesis 15) in a subtle, double-dog-dare-you tone and says, “Look up at the sky and count the stars — if indeed you can count them.” 

While Abraham can’t even count them, God, the ultimate Show-Off, names them.

How?  Why?  Why bother?  I mean, why name something that will never be visited or inhabited, discovered, counted or known?

Because names are important to God.

In fact, God’s first assignment to the earth’s first man was to name the animals. (Genesis 2:19)

Throughout the course of human history, God has called His people by name:

“Moses, Moses” (Exodus 3:4)

“Samuel, Samuel” (I Samuel 3:4)

“Martha, Martha” (Luke 10:41)

“Saul, Saul” (Acts 9:4)

Names are important to God.  And no name is more important to Him than His Son’s which is why explicit instructions were given to Joseph about what that name would be:

“…an angel of the Lord appeared to (Joseph) in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.  She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” (Matthew 1:21)

Jesus.  The name literally means “God is salvation”.

When the prophet Isaiah predicted the birth of Christ (700 years beforehand) he wrote, “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel.”  (Isaiah 7:14)

Immanuel literally translated means “God with us”.

Is the Bible contradicting itself? Did Isaiah get the prophecy wrong?  He predicted a virgin birth but messed up the name? Or did the angel not get the 700 year old memo?  Is His name Jesus or Immanuel?

It’s both.

In both names, God is communicating more than a name, but His heart’s mission:

“My Son is coming on a rescue mission to be with you.” 

As the Apostle John later penned, The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.” (John 1:14)

In order to save us, He had to be with us.  No wonder His name is above all names.

The next time you see a name tag, remember the name on it.

Because names are important to God, they need to be important to us.

 

 

 

A word about your worth

rod artersThe other day, during my travels, I had to visit a restroom in a run-down gas station.  Public bathroom visits are never a preferred option but gas station bathrooms, for most sane human beings, are to be avoided at all costs.  Sadly, it was either visit this glorified outhouse on my long road trip or wet my pants.  I actually thought about the latter option.

The men’s room in a gas station is consistently nasty.  Whereas I have heard that female restrooms are colorful, fragrant epicenters of happiness – the men’s room is where all things nasty go to die.   Chipped paint on the walls, graffiti i messages on the doors, cracked mirrors, leaky faucets and trash littering the floor are commonplace sightings.  What can you expect from an understaffed, underpaid place where men who can’t aim go to dump their waste?   Upon entering the bathroom and walking over the paper towel trash pile inevitably left on the floor, every man instinctly looks for the open urinal or stall.   Whereas women like to travel to a restroom en masse, men prefer it to be a solo experience.

On this particular day, there was only one stall available between two oversized men.   Ugh.  I reluctantly saddled over to the lone urinal, annoyed that I cannot take care of business with more privacy and realized immediately why this stall was ominiously “available.”   At the bottom of this urinal, seemingly strategically placed in this odd place, was a picture of Abraham Lincoln.   After all, his picture, familiar to us all, is the image on every five dollar bill.

In most men’s rooms – there is a shortage of things to look at while you are… making the bladder gladder.   But when you are in there with other men, it is imperative that you are very careful not to let your eyes wander East or West.  This particular day, my gaze was fixed upon Lincoln.   I wondered who had put a $5 bill in the urinal.  Was this some sort of reality show prank and I was unwittingly their next contestant?  I wondered if it was a crime to “Number One” on Honest Abe in this fashion.  I wondered how long it had been there and why no one had rescued it from its cruel fate.   Actually, I didn’t wonder about that one too long.

A plethora of thoughts filled my head about the unfortunate bill.   (Clearly I drank too much that afternoon.)   I considered its unfavorable position.  I pondered its unfriendly treatment.  I wondered where it had been prior to this.  I wondered what things it was able to do in the past.   When it came off the press at the Mint, it had a bright future.  Certainly this isn’t what the makers of the money had in mind for this particular piece of currency?

As I reflected the deeper meaning behind this bill’s fate, a prominent thought came to mind:

There are many days when I relate to this bill.

Stuck.

Misplaced.

Mistreated.

Undervalued.

Unfulfilled.

Used.

Abused.

Not fulfilling the purpose for which I was created.

Do you relate?   If you’re honest, you probably have felt this way too, especially if you have spent time at the bottom of life’s urinal.

Noah had to relate to this feeling when he was called by God to build an ark prior to the impending flood. The only problem is that no one had ever seen an ark or flood before.   God failed to mention it would take him over 100 years to build.   I can only imagine the ridicule he faced for a century on this “project from God.”  (Genesis 6)

Joseph had to relate.   After experiencing lofty dreams about his bright future, he finds himself languishing in an Egyptian prison for two years – with no forseeable hope of getting out.  (Genesis 37-40)

David had to relate.   Annointed to be the next King of Israel (I Samuel 16), he spent the next 20 years of his life as a fugitive waiting for the day that the annointed would finally be appointed.

Paul had to relate.   Called by God in spectacular fashion (Acts 9), he eventually finds himself incarcerated for his newfound faith and pastoring several churches while in chains.

Hosea had to relate.   Called by God to marry a prostitute, he spends his entire marriage to someone trying to love them in spite of wayward unfaithfulness.  If anyone felt “stuck” in a relationship, it had to be him.

The list of biblical characters that seemingly felt mistreated, used, forgotten, is endless.

Over the last few years I have really struggled with my sense of worth.   When you commit major league sins in the midst of minor league sinners (church folk), it can mess with your perception of worth. Whereas I used to be Christianity’s darling because I could write, speak and spin all the necessary spiritual plates, I have found myself on the other end of respect, stuck like a piece of gum on the bottom of self-righteous religious shoes.   The people I used to lead don’t follow.  The ones that used to take notes have stopped listening.

Here’s the thing that $5 dollar bill taught me that day.   It’s a profound truth, if you stop long enough to absorb it.

It’s still worth $5 dollars.

It’s not worth less because it’s at the bottom of a urinal.

It’s not worth less because of it’s level of abuse or misuse.

It’s not worth less because no one wants to touch it anymore.

It’s still, all day long, worth $5 dollars, simply because it has intrinsic value.

Intrinsic.

Look that word up in the dictionary.

(adjective)   in·trin·sic, belonging naturally; essential, innate, inborn, comes from within, built-in, inherent. 

In other words, it means belonging to a thing by its very nature.

Dogs are intrinsically loyal.   Cats are intrinsically independent.   God is intrinsically loving.

Sometimes I forget this truth, imbedded into the D.N.A. of every human being, myself included.

There is no crime that can remove my intrinsic value.   There is no sin that can erase one’s essential worth.

Not.one.   So, dear reader, be encouraged.

Where do you find yourself in today’s moral climate?   Do you feel, because of your past, at the bottom of life’s urinal?   Do you feel, because of past sins, like a piece of moral gum on the bottom of judgemental shoes?    Do others make you feel like you’re a modern day social leper?    You’re actually in good company.

Jesus’ company.

As the Son of God and the Author of Life, He could have entered our planet on a cosmic meteor with the thunderous announcement of Angels.  Instead, He came through an unplanned, scandalous pregnancy – born into a stable, largely unnoticed by the planet He created.   He could have entered among the Papacy or prestigious.  Instead, He chose an audience of paupers.

As a sovereign God, He could have demanded worship from every living creature He encountered. Instead, He walked among us in the flesh, choosing limitations and mistreatment, instead of the royal red carpet only He deserves.

And where did He spend His time?   Who captured His attention more than anyone else?

The sinners.    The societal rejects.    The spiritually sick.

  • Tax collectors.
  • Gentiles.
  • Prostitutes.
  • The physically disabled.
  • Women.
  • The demoniacs.
  • Children.
  • Roman soldiers.
  • Lepers.

Yesterday, I was walking in a parking lot and stepped over a penny.   I stopped for a minute, aware of this blog, and wondered…

“How many penny’s have I walked over in my life simply because it did not hold enough value in my mind to reach down and bring it into my world?”

Too many.

How many people have I stepped over because I was too important to stop?

Too many.

The next time you see money in a place where it shouldn’t be, do what you can to rescue it from it’s place of unuse and let it remind you that God has plans for those whom the world rejects.

They hold intrinsic value – not because of what they can do for us – but simply because they exist.

I know I need that reminder.

And God came to earth to give it to me, even me.

The Application to date my daughter

Revised by Rod Arters (though much was borrowed by many other sources) 

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a one-time $99 processing fee, complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report.

 General Information:

Name: _______________________________

Date of Birth: _________________________

(If you were born before the year 1999, you are too old for my daughter)

Height: ___________ (if under 5’6″, please discontinue application)

IQ: _________ (if under 135, please discontinue application)

Weight: __________    GPA: _____ (if under 3.8, please discontinue application)

Do you own a belt?  (if no, please discontinue application)

Social Security #: _______________________

Drivers License #: ________________________   (If you do not possess a drivers license, please discontinue application)

Detailed driving record:

______ # of accidents

______ # speeding tickets

_____  # parking tickets

______ TOTAL

(If the sum total is a number greater than “0”, please discontinue application)

Year, Make & Model of vehicle: _______________________________________

(If you do not own a vehicle or it is a luxury van, RV or any vehicle with a bed, please discontinue application)

Boy Scout Rank & Badges: __________________________________________

Home Address: __________________________________________________

Do you have a full-time job?   _____ YES   ______ NO  (if no, please discontinue application)

Accessories:

Do you have any tattoos?                               _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you have any piercings?                           _____ YES     _____ NO

(This includes nose, earrings, tongue, cheeks or belly button)

Do you own a waterbed?                               _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you own a truck with oversized tires?  _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you own a gun?                                         _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you have a criminal record?                   _____ YES     _____ NO

(If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, please discontinue application)

References:

What is the name of the church you attend?  _______________________________

How many times a week do you attend? _________

When would the best time to interview your:

1)      Father?                        _________________

2)      Mother?                       _________________

3)      Pastor?                         _________________

4)      Parole Officer?            _________________

(If you have a parole officer, please discontinue application immediately)

Essay Section:

1)      In 50 words or less, what does the word “LATE” mean to you?

2)      In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?

3)      In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?

4)    In 50 words or less, what does “PUBLIC PLACE” mean to you?

Short Answer Section:

(Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely as all answers are confidential)

1)      If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be my: _____________

2)      If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: __________________

3)      A woman’s place is in the: ________________________________________

4)      The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________

5)      IF I grow up, I want to become a: __________________________________

6)      When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice first is her: ___________________

(If this is a body part, please discontinue application immediately)

7)      What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________

(if you know this, please discontinue application immediately)

I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, waterboarding, or red hot pokers.

Applicant’s Signature:______________________________________________

Father’s Signature: _______________ Mother’s Signature: ___________________

Pastor’s Signature: _______________ Congressman’s Signature: _______________

In the space below, please provide finger prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Referencing & DNA sampling:

Thank you for your interest.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. (Do not expect a letter)

In the unlikely event that you will be accepted, please read “Daddy’s Dating Rules”.

Daddy’s Dating Rules:

RULE ONE:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you had better be delivering a package because you are sure not picking up anything in my house that evening.

RULE TWO:

You may only look at my daughter’s eyes.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE:

Though it is fashionable by today’s standards to wear your pants below your rear, this is not acceptable attire while dating my daughter.  Should you have trouble keeping your pants “up” in the appropriate spot (which, by the way, is just below your armpits) – I will gladly staple them where they need to be.

RULE FOUR:

When I communicate with you – here are the correct answers to my questions:

1)      Question: When will you have my daughter back?

Answer: early

2)      Question: Will you kiss my daughter goodnight?

Answer: Only if I want my lips removed from my mouth.

3)      Question: When is it ok to touch my daughter?

Answer: Only when I am pushing her out of the way of a moving vehicle about to hit her. 

4)      Question: What are the appropriate titles to address me?

Answer: Your Honor, Your Majesty, Sir

5)      Question: When there is a misunderstanding between you and my daughter, who is right?

Answer: She is.

RULE FIVE:

If you make my daughter cry, I will make you cry.   Any questions?

RULE SIX:

The following places are never appropriate with my daughter:

  • Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
  • Places where there is darkness.
  • Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
  • Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, sweaters or goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.
  • Movies with romantic or sexual themes are forbidden.  Movies which feature torture or chainsaws are acceptable.
  • Places where you are alone or outside of my field of vision.

Preferred places would be:

  • My living room
  • Front pew of church
  • Police stations
  • Nursing Homes

RULE SEVEN:

Regardless of my age, appearance or physique, I can still take you.

RULE EIGHT:

Never lie to me. Consider me the all knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one opportunity to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

RULE NINE:

Be afraid of me.  Very afraid.  The sound of your car in my driveway will always remind me of a chopper coming over the sand dune in Desert Storm.   As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car in a serpentine fashion.  There is no need for you to come inside or to the door.   The camouflaged face at the window is mine.